27 November 2013

Checking in saying hello...

Hi everyone, I am checking in and saying hello to all our friends. It seems so long since I last wrote and I know that I will have missed so much. It has been so hard without Jasper and I know you all understand. We have been having a new kitchen fitted and have had the house upside down for the last two weeks. It is just about finished now all baring a few last touches. I will show some before and after pictures when all complete.
    I was speaking by email to Jackie ( Flynn's mum ) about how I was feeling about change in the house and how moving things away felt like I was putting Jasper away. Jackie said write in in the blog because everyone there will understand. There have been so many things that have set me off. Like the first day when seeing the turbo track made me so sad. All the toys and things  around. I phoned Tristan and just said could you come and collect some things, he understood and came straight away. I gave him everything for Azzie and then felt like I had somehow betrayed Jasper by moving things away. Every week I had to hoover the blinds in the living room as they were full of fur. Barrie used to say to Jasper look at those blinds and your mum has just cleaned them. Just after we lost him I hovered the blinds and realised there would be no more fur that made me cry so much.
  So many things set me off and I know that you all understand this so much. Some of my work friends understand too but others look at me as if to say oh come on move on now. Don't get me wrong I don't walk around all woe is me but it does just come over me. Like when in the first week after he had gone I went out on a call to a lady who has a cat that waits until I have attended his mum and then comes to me for treats. His mum always says to me how's your baby. That night I was a wreck and I made her upset too. So many things.
  I am going to put it all down on the blog what happened that last week because I think maybe writing about it will sort of help. I have not been able to before but I will this week.
  Barrie said we need to go away for a holiday as we have not been for two years as we couldn't leave Jasper when he needed his medication and care. we have booked a week from 2nd December and even that makes me feel guilty.
  I will go now before I drive everyone away with moaning but it is good to get a little off my chest. I will do a post about what happened later and then will try to do some happy posts.
   Thank you all for listening.
    Happy Thanksgiving for all my friends that celebrate.
    Much love Carol x

                       

49 comments:

Deb said...

Aw Carol, just take some time. It is all still very fresh and I think a change of scene will help you and Barrie. I understand far too much about the sadness hitting at any time. I was like that for so long after my persian, Charity passed away. I had her 19 years, all through my 20's 7 30's. A song on the radio would set me off, coming in the door and not having her there would make me cry. It just took time. We grieve because we loved and you both were so fortunate to have each other. It won't be long before thoughts of GJ will bring a smile to your face without the tears. Be proud of the wonderful life you gave him. He was such a lucky cat. Hugs, Deb

Marg said...

Oh Carole, please don't feel guilty about any of those things that you are doing Jasper is watching you from heaven and wants you to be happy and understands about giving the toys etc away. We so understand what you are going through and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having things bother you. It is totally normal.
I think that you should write all this down on your blog. It really helps me to write things when I lost someone.
Take care Carole and hang in there.

beforeyouwrite.com said...

Carol...Yes, we all do understand. I don't think I ever told anyone on line that when Max ran off to the bridge, I could not face it at all. I told my brother, but I didn't tell anyone else for over two weeks. I mostly stayed home and cried and I just couldn't' t say the words aloud. Carol, any behaviour is okay. Don't feel guilty. You'll get through it when you are ready. In the meantime, know that we are sending you and Barrie loads of love and are here for you.

Love to you both, Lou

Fuzzy Tales said...

Carol, you're not driving anyone crazy and you're not moaning. When Chumley died suddenly, I couldn't go to work for 3 days. Seriously. I lived on anti-nausea meds, tea and a bit of toast for weeks. And when I had to let Annie go, well, that was even harder in so many ways. So we do all understand and I think it's important that you allow yourself to grieve however and wherever you need to.

We're all sending you and Barrie so much love and Light, purrs, and purrayers. (((Hugs)))

Kim and the boys

Tillie and Georgia said...

Ditto what everyone has said.
We all love our pets.That's why we blog and proudly show pictures :)
Most of us have also had a beloved pet pass away too and we understand just how you feel.
We do not mind you letting it out on your blog. It's healthy and better than keeping it inside.
Through you, we will be able to share your remembrances and give
comfort when you get sad. After all, we miss Jasper too.
Hugs, Nancy and the kitties

Agnes B. Bullock said...

Barrie's idea of a vacation sounds like just what you need. you are being way too hard on yourself- mourn Ginger as you need to mourn him. No one else knows the depths of your love for him, and you need to mourn as your heart tells you to do. We are here for you and vent all you want- you have my email!

ButterBean said...

Here for support friend - no matter if you have just one or 10 it hurts just the same. Go on your trip, have a great time with no worries. When you come back get through the holidays and then talk about opening your heart and home to another fur baby. You all are good pet parents, you would not be replacing GJ but you would be saving and loving another. Give it some time give it some thought. Have happy holidays Love you

Kari said...

Jasper was family and you need to mourn him in a way that feels comfortable for you. No way is right or wrong, it's what you need to do in
whatever time you need to make
sense of the loss. We lost our Oliver
a week ago this coming Thursday
whilst my mum was in the hospital.
That I might also loose mum had
nothing to do with the terrible loss I
felt, and still feel, with Oliver's
passing. Grief and loss are very
personal things. By giving his toys
away, you did nothing to diminish the
love and memories you have of him
but rather honoured that love by
making another cat happy with things
Jasper could no longer use. Jasper knows how much you love him and he will always love you in return.
Someone told me that Oliver would
never want me to suffer and I believe
that to be so. But we need to do
what we need to do to heal our hearts. All of our love, ALWAYS.

The Whiskeratti said...

Oh, we do understand, truly. We know how much it hurts. You've just lost a family member, and that's horrible. Pawhugs.

Andrea and the Celestial Kitties said...

Hugs, lots of hugs.
You are allowed to grieve in any way that you grieve. But you do not have to feel guilty about doing things differently. Of course things will be different. and it's sad. I'm sure even Jasper wouldn't want you feeling guilty about going away. Try to remember more of the good times, it helps, it hurts, but it helps. and yes, by all means, talk about it, blog about it, don't bury it. You know everyone on the blogosphere loves you, and are here for you. More hugs

Flynn said...

I am glad you have decided to put your thoughts and feelings on here Carol. You will find that it does help to put it in writing. One thing is for sure, no-one understands the devastating feelings of loss and sadness more than your fellow pet bloggers. The majority of us know the sorrow of losing a beloved pet and share your sadness.
You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. You did everything possible for your boy and he knew that. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty about your holiday. You have stayed home for the last 2 years to look after Jasper and put his needs first, and now you and Barrie deserve some time to relax.
Love Jackie x

ScrapsofMe said...

Oh....we do understand. I quit blogging not long after Puffy passed away. There was just too much pain. Even though we had Bonnie, she was just a pup....and he was nearly 18. I miss all your adventures....the period dress up days...the little beans...your beautiful garden. Can't wait to see the new kitchen. I think a holiday is a grand idea. Rest up and recharge. You will always miss him, but time will soften the pain.
Hope to hear about your vacay.
Pam
Bonnie and Kenzie, the wee Scottie girlies

A few Good Cats said...

You got good advice, and you're wise to take advantage of it. It's a very hard time for you, and everyone here understands and cares. Take good care...

meowmeowmans said...

Carol, please know that we understand how difficult and painful this all is. You need not worry about any of us thinking you are moaning and such. This community is the most loving and caring group we have ever encountered, and we know we speak for so many when we tell you we love you and Barrie, and of course GJ always. We will always be here for you, because that is what friends do.

Hugs, purrs and prayers to you, our friends,

Kevin, Tracey, Moosey, Gracie and Zoe

The Island Cats said...

Carol, I've been there too. Like when I caught myself laughing and having a good time and thinking, I shouldn't be doing this...I just lost my precious baby. Don't feel guilty about your feelings. We understand how you feel. And we're here for you.

Island Cats' mom Sue

Loretta Thomas said...

Dear Friend, we would miss you awfully if we didn't hear from you! This post was just what I needed for the end of this day... Your Jasper was our famous blogging buddy and we miss him too much!!! Hearing from you, His Mum, helps to make his absence bearable. Don't stop communicating with us we need you blogging just as always! Never, ever feel anything but being Welcomed into our homes...
Thanks Dear Carol for Gracing us with your presence...We've missed you!!!
Purrs,
Miss Kitty & Mum

Katnip Lounge said...

You silly, now I'M weeping! Seriously, it's good to talk (write) and none of us mind one bit. As I wrote Abby's Mom earlier this year it was a honor to bear witness and help her with her grief. Nowadays our culture seems to deny loss as if it simply doesn't happen and that's not right...we used to have set times of mourning which I think is so much more appropriate.
Enjoy your vacation with Barrie, and rejoice that GJ will be with you wherever you go, whole and healthy, in your memories.
Love, Trish

Brian said...

We have missed you too and you couldn't ever drive us away. We totally understand. My Dad still cries sometimes when he gets out of the show because Brother Ivan was always there waiting for him. We understand. We felt so close to GJ and we still get weepy when we think of him. We are all her for you, so write away and accept our virtual hugs.

Sparkle said...

Please don't feel guilty about going on holiday or giving GJ's toys to a cat who might like them - these are all things you should be doing. Every last human who knows you through GJ's blog has been where you are and everybody understands that it takes lots of time to stop feeling sad so often. My human still gets sad about the cat before me sometimes (she died in 2002), and she is fine with that. Eventually all the memories about GJ that made you happy will outweigh the sadness, but that'll happen in its own time. For now just know that we are all here for you, and you could not possibly chase us away.

JC said...

We have all been there. We all know how this goes. My previous set of cats were 17, 19 and 21.

Those who don't have pets do not understand. How they can go through life without them, I do not know.

Vent, cry and tell us what you feel. We are here, we loved him too.

And, go on that vacation. He'd want you to be happy.

XO,
JC

The Florida Furkids said...

There is no wrong or right to grief. It's a very hard thing to go through but we will be here for you. I know how you feel about getting rid of things and feeling guilty. At least some of GJ's things will be enjoyed and loved by another kitty. We think GJ would have liked that.

We love you and will be here for you.

The Florida Furkids and Mom Sharon

Prancer Pie said...

We understand! You're among like-minded furriends here. Don't push yourself and go have that holiday. We'll be keeping you and Barrie in our thoughts. XOXO

Punapippuri said...

Thank you for writing - I have been wondering how you are doing. Grief is so important to feel and share, and the whole CB is here for you. We all understand that those little things hurt so very much, and that is important as they honour how much GJ means.
The holiday sounds great, even though it'll be hard to go. You did everything you possibly could for GJ, now be kind to yourselves xxxx

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Iza, and Marley) said...

Our continued purrs to you, but we DO recoconize that this may be a good time to make changes. We unnerstand.

Angel and Kirby said...

Carol, I know how you feel. I had Angel here when we lost Wizard, but ti just was not the same. That first month with out him in bed with us would set me off again. It will get easier.

Old Kitty said...

Awwwww Carol. I am so sorry and we all here at the CB totally understand and totally empathise. The CB and your blog are great places to share, please please do. I found the support of the CB when my Ol Girl and Tim (her brother) died so so so helpful and so wonderful and so invaluable. I truly needed you all and you were all there for me (more so than with actual people, a few who really could not understand and yes also told me to "move on, it's not like it's a person that died"). We'll always be here for you and we will always understand. I hope you and Barrie a peaceful and reflective time when you go on your break. You both deserve this holiday. Angel GJ would approve! He'll always be there with you both. Good luck with the home refurbishments - that's really nice to look forward to when it's all done and dusted! Take care
x

Fur Everywhere said...

Carol, I *think* I can speak for more than just me when I say, you will NEVER push us away. Ever.

We all understand the kind of deep love you had with your sweet GJ. I have not personally lost a kitty yet, but my kitties are aging, and it makes me cry just to *think* about them being gone. I can only imagine the kind of grief you must be feeling.

You can *always* e-mail me if you need or want a friend to talk to: fureverywhere [at] gmail [dot] com.

As far as feeling guilty, it is a normal emotion in the grief process. I know it does not feel good, but understand that GJ would not want you to feel guilty for anything. He knows how much you love and care about him.

::hugs:: dear friend

ANGEL ABBY said...

Carole the journey through grief is one filled with lots of twists turns and curves. There is no correct way, there just is a way. It gets harder before it will get easier, there are so many triggers that set off a myriad of feelings and emotions. YOU are normal. Expressing your grief is a very healthy thing and it may help you discover things you didn't realize. I know for myself at Day 107 without my beloved Abby I am still crying and still hurting. I am on the same journey I am just 3 months ahead of you. If you feel comfortable I offer you a place to talk ... please feel free to contact me an manxmnewsATgmailDOTcom. But, you need not feel any discomfort in talking about GJ on the blog. Every single one of us understands. You will never see any of us say GJ was just a cat. Because he was your family. I know I feel a deeper loss over Abby than I have over losing human family members. She meant that much to me and I know GJ meant that much to you and Barrie too. I know he is suffering as well. Time will not heal your wounds, but it will soften them. Whatever you do is right for you, and GJ will always love you and a that love will never die.
Abby's mom Debra

Hannah and Lucy said...

Carol you don't get over a family member passing in an instant and GJ was definitely family. He was such a handsome mancat and we know he was so happy with you and Barrie looking after him. He loved his garden and we always smiled when he was sitting on the wall looking round. It is 5 years today since my late husband's beloved Emma went to Rainbow Bridge.
In some ways I mourned more for her than I did for my late husband as she nursed me through his last illness and passing. I cried for days after she died and the home seemed so quiet. I was so lucky in the fact that after about three weeks I was near the RSPCA and just dropped in for a quick look in the cattery. The cats area was a mass of people as they had just been to a house and brought in 100 of the cats there - they had all been "done" and they were hoping to home them all. I saw Hannah and she looked me straight in the eye and I said I wanted to hold her - I chose her there and then but they said they were hoping all the cats would be housed in 2's or 3's as they weren't sure how well they would settle into being only cats after their early days of being one among so many. Lucy was leaning on Hannah and I said I'll take her too and the rest is history. You may find that you will want to adopt a cat in a few weeks or months - they never take the place of the one who went before but they do give you a new focus and so much love.
Take care.
Luv Hannah, Lucy & Sue xx xx xx

BeadedTail said...

We understand Carol and are here for you virtually since we all can't show up at your house to give you a big hug like we wish we could! Hope you and Barrie enjoy your time away and we know that Jasper wants you both to smile and enjoy it too! (((hugs)))

Pattyskypants said...

Sharing thoughts and feelings about GJ and what he meant to you isn't "moaning." We're so sad he's gone. xxoo

Tom, Tama-Chan, Sei-Chan, Bibi-Chan, Gen-Chan, Vidock, Violette said...

Dear Carol,

Of one thing we are certain, and that is that you will never betray Jasper. He will always live on in your heart and all that he gave you and Barrie will forever remain with you. The physical manifestations are just that, and even though it is hard to put anything away, you did well to think of Azzie. Life is an ever-changing dance, but what is in the heart remains there for always.

Lots of Love,
All your Friends at
The Poupounette

katsrus said...

We all understand. I lost my 21 yr old in August and I know what you mean by just seeing things and it sets you off. And I could not go anywhere either because of meds. And you feel a loss from that too. Not having to do it anymore. I think talking with cat lovers sure helps. Your kitty knew you loved him. Hugs and purrs.
Sue B

magscorner said...

Sweet Carol we do understand. You just do what you need to do that is what matters. Feeling guilty is a normal part of grief and grief can last different lengths of time. And we understand how those times hit when you just cannot hold back the tears, just let them flow sweet friend. When it is time you will be passed the grieving period and although you will still miss sweet Jasper and always will your grief will be replaced by sweet and precious memories. You blog, take a trip whatever helps you through this hard time. We all do understand. Love and hugs sweet friend.

cats of wildcat woods said...

Carol, so many of us do understand how you feel. The first few weeks are the hardest and so many little things set you to crying - I have been there so many times. It does get easier. Jasper would not want you to feel bad about anything - he is with you always and I find if I still talk to my cats that have passed on, it still feels like a bit of them is still here with me. Sending lots of warm kitty hugs.

STELLA and RORY from Down Under said...

Oh Carol, We totally understand. There's no need to feel alone (although sometimes you do) because we are all here for you. Ginger Jasper was such a huge part of your lives and he always will be. Sometimes you just can't tell what will set off the memories and the tears. When our boy Brucey had to go to the Rainbow bridge, he had left paw marks six feet up on our glass sliding door and it took me 12 months to wash them off (and I took photos before hand). My daughters dog visited one day and chewed up Brucey's bowl I had left in his feeding spot and I cried my eyes out but was sort of glad at the same time. Definitely blog about Ginger Jasper. We all understand and we all want to help. Hugs to you and Barrie. No worries and love, Carol (and Stella and Rory)

Austin Towers said...

Carol, I can't imagine there is a cat person in the world who doesn't understand what you are going through! I think you should write on the blog. I am sure it will help and also everyone loves you and Jasper and wants to be there for you. We hope you enjoy your holiday. You deserve it, that's for sure! Caro and Austin xx

Clooney said...

Oh Carol, I feel so much for you and as so many others have said, the blogging community is so special and is here to support you regardless of how you are feeling as so many understand the depth of love one has for their animal companions. Grief is such a personal experience and each person has the right to navigate it however they choose and to feel exactly how they feel. Thinking of you Carol and sending lots of love your way.

Jan's Funny Farm said...

We understand you are grieving and that's so often a roller coaster of emotions. A holiday sounds like a good idea. You and Barrie can probably use some time to have fun, relax and get away for a while. Hope you have a great time! Hugs!

Sweet Purrfections said...

Don't every worry about putting your emotions into words. We understand what you're going through and communicating is one of the first steps to healing.

Our thoughts are with you!

Gattina said...

It's just normal that you feel like this, I had exactly the same when my cats died ! There are no words which can comfort you only time helps and you will get to a point where only good memories remain. One day you even maybe ready to adopt a little kitten which needs a home, now of course it's far too early. You first have to go over the grief. And people who told me : it was ONLY a cat, and didn't understand my grief, I just could have killed. Why should we only grieve about humans ? I don't care if an aunt who didn't live with me and didn't share my life dies !

Bellen said...

Moving on doesn't mean leaving someone behind. Jasper's things will need to be put away or given to somebody else, but that isn't betraying him, any more than was vacuuming the fur off the blinds. He's left his fur in your hearts, and that will never go.

Laila and Minchie said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings, Carol. We are grieving for GJ also and it helps us too. (((hugs))) to you and Barrie.

Peggy

Caren Gittleman said...

Eric and Flynn's Mom gave you some excellent advice. NONE of us would EVER "drive you away" because most (if not all) of us have experienced the devastating loss of a soul kitty.
Everything you mentioned that you are going through is what we all have experienced and we ALL can relate to it and hope that our words will bring you some sort of comfort.
The pain never completely leaves, but it DOES become easier. Allow "time to take it's time"...
I am STILL racked with guilt about many things pertaining to my Angel Bobo.
Do you know I have a bag of his old catnip toys that I will NOT allow Cody to play with? I felt they were his and I will not let Cody touch them (and that is mean of me)
I also have Bobo's old carrier (it is just the way he left it and I STILL cannot bear to look at it, I keep it in the closet) and Bobo passed in 2007!
There are moments I can still break down crying as if it were yesterday.
Don't be too hard on yourself...we ALL understand!
I think the trip is a great idea and I would be like you, feeling guilty, but guess what? YOU SHOULDN'T! GJ would want you to have a good time.
GJ is still with you, just in a different form.
We all KNOW, we ALL CARE and we are ALL HERE FOR YOU!
xoxoxo

Team Tabby said...

If putting your feelings here helps you in any way, we understand completely. We are here to give you our support in this time of grief.

Purrs,
Mindy
Moe
Cookie
Mike
and mom, Nina

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

GJ would be delighted that another kitty was enjoying his toys! (I think he knows that Mum and Dad won't be getting on the floor batting his mousies around or trying to get that pesky ball out of the turbo track ;-) He was a very loving kitty and knows you loved and cared for him beyond all measure.

It's good for you to write when you feel like it! You will never drive anyone away as we all understand your sense of great loss. GJ was a beloved boy--would that every kitty had the kind of life you gave him. It will be good for you to enjoy some time away.
XOXOXOXOXO

jen said...

People laugh when I tell them that my cats are like my kids but seriously, I can't imagine the pain of losing one.

Write away!

Anonymous said...

It's really hard because it's such a recent loss but remember, your precious boy doesn't live in the kitchen anymore. He lives in your heart.
Marian in Houston

Timmy Tomcat said...

Thanks so much Carol. Our Dad has been having such problems with his wrist he can only type for work and a little for our posts so has not been visiting much.
We know how sad it is when a loved fur leaves for the Bridge. Dad says we will all play, meow and laugh some day when we all meet again.
With much love from our family to yours
Timmy and Dad Pete